I CARRIED A WATERMELON?!?!?!

please tell me you've seen Dirty Dancing.

oh how i love Dirty Dancing! it is definitely my longest-favorite movie of all time.

i wish i knew how many times i have seen it because it would be a lot.

i often laugh with my friends when the topic of Dirty Dancing comes up. or Disney movies. because i always tell them that while they were all watching the Little Mermaid or the Lion King, i was watching Dirty Dancing.

{yes...probably 4-years old.} in fact, what i really wish i knew is not necessarily how many times i have seen the movie but how old i was when i first saw it.

so ya, while they all quote every Disney movie and sing every theme song, i can never join in.
because i was the little girl watching Dirty Dancing.

i was the little girl pulling out my couch so that i could try to walk on the back of it like Johnny and Baby do on the log.

and i'm still the girl who will put the DVD in the player or go to youtube just so i can watch the last 5 or so minutes of the movie...the scene i wait for while watching the entire movie.

when Johnny says "nobody puts Baby in a corner" and grabs her hand to take her to go dance on the stage.

and i'm still the girl who pathetically can get tears in her eyes when i hear the final song and wish and pray that someday i'll dance to that song at my wedding. i'm not saying i have to do the whole dance, although that would be so freaking cool and i've seen it done on youtube.
BUT i definitely want that to be my last song of the night.
"now i'veeeeee had the time of my lifeeeee....and i owe it all to youuuuuuuuuu!"

a girl can dream.

ANYWAYS! enough about the end scene.

if you've seen the movie before you can remember the scene where Baby sneaks out one night and finds Johnny's cousin (who i forget his name now! what a fan i am!) walking up to where all the "dirty dancing" takes place. and up the stairs he is carrying 3 watermelons.

eventually Baby take one and is led up into the room which much surprise at what all happens after work hours are over.
and Johnny walks in, eventually saying about how she got there and she responds with
"i carried a watermelon."

and i just love her face afterward and her embarrassment as she says to herself "I carried a watermelon?!?!" because this is often my life.

i get nervous. say something ridiclous. and then afterward say it back to myself with such horror and embarrassment.

example:

so here's a little story. i sent this email to my friend Kait weeks ago knowing that she'd get a kick out of it.
hopefully you can understand the way i talk because that is the way i type -
often not making any sense to anyone unless you can actually hear me saying it as you read.

{so the man taking the shredded bins is here and just introduced himself to me. he was telling me he was gonna go bring the other bins down and come back for the rest... yada yada. and he says something like "ok and then I'll be right back, Virginia" -- (he was acknowledging my name because of my name thing on my desk.) and then he says something about his name being Rafael and shakes my hand, introducing himself. and then says "you have beautiful eyes by the way…" and I say "thank you, you do too…I've been noticing them." OH MY WORDDD.. I've been noticing them?! that's like in dirty dancing when she says "I CARRIED A WATERMELON???!!!"}

fyi: he did have beautiful eyes. beautiful enough that it probably wasn't odd for me to point them out in response to his compliment. he was hispanic and had eyes that he shouldn't have is the only way i know how to describe it. the dark skin with like clear crystal blue/green eyes. you don't see that everyday. and when you do, they stand out. apparently enough to make me notice them.

more than once! haha

so there was my "I carried a watermelon?!?!" moment.

i was freaked because a) i was talking to a guy and feeling like he was being extra friendly and i have issues and b) he was complimenting me and i got nervous...therefore making c) my nervousness got the best of me making it extra easy to say something stupid.

so i went on to tell the story to my friend and co-work Katy and we laughed together.

and i go on to tell the story here so i can laugh some more.

the thing is is that he DID have beautiful eyes. where i went wrong was with how i worded it in a panic...

i had not been NOTICING them. although yes, i DID notice them. just once though.

this is what happens when I'm nervous. and there's nothing to be nervous. he's simply saying something nice about me but I just almost freak a little everytime something like that happens.

and to top it off, to end it on the same kind of note:

he says to me as he is leaving the office- 

"you're really beautiful by the way."

and i awkwardly say thank you. twice. once looking at him i think?! and the other not looking at him, but nervously looking down. and then he waves to me as he's getting in the elevator.

story of my life.

story of a 14 year old (if that) being stuck in the body of a 23 year old.

for now.

i will get better at this.

and for now i will just try to make you laugh with me.

Psalm 103

  Let all that I am praise the Lord;
      with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
  Let all that I am praise the Lord;
      may I never forget the good things he does for me.
  He forgives all my sins
      and heals all my diseases.
  He redeems me from death
      and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
  He fills my life with good things.
      My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

  The Lord gives righteousness
      and justice to all who are treated unfairly.
  He revealed his character to Moses
      and his deeds to the people of Israel.
  The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
      slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
  He will not constantly accuse us,
      nor remain angry forever.
  He does not punish us for all our sins;
      he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
  For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
      is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
  He has removed our sins as far from us
      as the east is from the west.
  The Lord is like a father to his children,
      tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
  For he knows how weak we are;
      he remembers we are only dust.
  Our days on earth are like grass;
      like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
  The wind blows, and we are gone—
      as though we had never been here.
  But the love of the Lord remains forever
      with those who fear him.
   His salvation extends to the children’s children
     of those who are faithful to his covenant,
      of those who obey his commandments!
  The Lord has made the heavens his throne;
      from there he rules over everything.
  Praise the Lord, you angels,
      you mighty ones who carry out his plans,
      listening for each of his commands.
  Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels
      who serve him and do his will!
  Praise the Lord, everything he has created,
      everything in all his kingdom.
   Let all that I am praise the Lord.

: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :

reminding myself of how i ought to be praising him.

in this psalm alone it says it so many times - "let all that i am praise the Lord."

but reminding myself will not do me much good if i then do not choose to praise him.

the state of my heart is too often such disaster that i don't just praise him for who he is,

that i don't just gladly praise him out of love and adoration for him.

and for this i am in need of much forgiveness.

so this is another prayer of my heart - for my heart to be continually changing and softened.

i'm praying that i will not harden my heart as he is calling.

i'm praying that as he is calling, i will have ears to hear his voice.

that i will recognize his voice. recognize his care for me.

Listen, O heavens! Pay attention, earth!

this is what the Lord says:

"The children I raised and cared for have rebelled against me. Even an ox knows it's owner, and a donkey recognizes its master's care - but Israel doesn't know its master.

My people don't recognize my care for them."

Isaiah 1:2-3

i read this a few days ago and it hit me.

i pray to know my master. to recognize his care for me.

to put aside my rebellion and worship him.

Today when you hear his voice, don't harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled.

Hebrews 3:15

i'm praying for understanding as i read about his compassion and mercy.

about his forgiveness and unfailing love.

how he is slow to get angry and how will not constantly accuse me or stay angry with me forever.

i need to remind myself of these things and take them to heart. know that they are true and believe them.

they are not just words on a page. they are truth.

what the heck don't i understand about these things? why don't i just get it?!

i liked "The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him."

i pray to have the right kind of fear for him.

and to know and accept the kind of love he has for me - love like a father would have for his child.

what gets me is that i know the love of an earthly father. i have been so blessed with a dad who loves me and goes out of his way to do special things for me just to show that he cares. but for some reason, i don't see God like this. nevermind the ultimately more because God's love is so much greater than my dad's love for me ever could be.

so i pray to know him.

i pray to diligently seek him that way i can actually know him.

i pray for my heart.

that he will be diligently working on it.

taking it out. giving me an extreme makeover - heart addition.

tearing things down. rearranging things. cleaning it up. removing the mess and ugly.

and rebuilding into something new.

something beautiful simply because he is the one rebuilding it.

this verse gives me much hope.

Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away and you will no longer worship idols. And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. and I will put my spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.

so have at it, Lord. sprinkle the water on me and make me clean. wash away my filth and help me as i work on this whole idol worship thing. please give me this new heart you talk about, and this new spirit. Take my old, stubborn and stony heart out. remove it - i don't need it. and replace it with this tender, responsive heart you talk about. place the new spirit in me so that i will follow your decrees and be careful to obey your regulations.

amen.