Friday, January 17, 2014

the trouble with online dating...

Hey blog. I'm back again. It's been a while.

I'm all over the place with my thoughts. I realize I made a list of my goals a few weeks ago with the start of a new year {2014} that I meant to post here. Not really for anyone else (because who seriously reads my blog? no one) but as a reminder for myself. and to have something to go back to and look at from time to time. I should probably go find that in my email somewhere and post it here.

What's been going on? Well, I gave up facebook for the next 21ish days or so. I read somewhere a few nights ago "it takes 21 days to break a habit." or it's something like "it takes 21 days to start a habit." I can never remember which it is.
but really, it's the same to me. I feel like starting a new habit has got to be breaking some sort of bad habit at the same time. you're probably replacing the new thing for the old thing. or breaking some sort of bad habit is really starting a new habit. the new habit is not doing the old habit. I don't know if that makes sense but in my mind it does.

the motivation to write an entry is because I want to document something silly. 
completely silly and creepy and just weird! strange. odd. unnecessary.

so here goes:

it's a little something called eharmony.

a few months back while hanging in my bedroom with 2 close friends, one of them goes "this is what I would write in my 'about me' section on a dating site if I were Virginia…." and it got my attention. "alright, this is going to be good…I want to write these things down. you know, in case some day I join." so I was about to grab my computer to email these things to myself when Trace said to me "wait, what are you doing? log on and we will create an account for you right now…"

well ok then.

and that began the time I signed up for eharmony. but the free version. so all that means is basically I made an account, answered some questions about myself (which, by the way - if you're going to make an account, do it with a couple friends over. it is a lot easier to hear things about yourself and write them down that maybe you don’t notice in yourself. or it's especially easy when there is a section like "what would your friends say are your best qualities…" you can ask them right then and there and they can answer for you. easy peasy). so I made a free account. I go on here and there and check out people I'm matched with. but basically that means I judge whose account to look at based by their name/age because I can't see any pictures and you're matched with a hundred people a day. not being able to see pictures is good because it enables me from being completely shallow and only looking at the guys who i find attractive. but knowing what someone looks like would be nice too. so I play a little game: "ohhh. Jef. that looks like a cool name. 27? that's a good age i'd say" or "hmmm. Spencer. that's a little weird. 35? probably too old for me" and I don’t look. what the heck do i know anyways? 
I'm not taking this thing seriously. but if I were, I would love to pay for an account and have access to the whole thing and see who has viewed my profile and all that jazz.

but you know what stinks about it? it's basically like a resume. but instead of people reading it and deciding if you are qualified for a job, they read it and see if you are interesting/exciting/holy enough to date you. you want to say all the good qualities about yourself. you want to prove you're likable. or even worse, that you're a good, modest, sweet, christian woman with a "gentle and quiet spirit." and they want to prove the same. only about being a good christian man.

and it just turns me off.

turns. me. off.

because whenever someone tries to impress me, I am so not impressed. the complete opposite of being impressed. because I notice the little things in the opposite sex. I like to observe someone when they're not paying attention or when they don't notice I'm looking and find things I like about them that way. not read a list of their qualities on their best day and decide that way. I want to know people's character. I want to know what their friends think of them. I want to know if they even have friends! how they interact with children. things like that. and a quick profile glance doesn't show me those things. it might tell me. but I have always hated the idea of pumping myself up and not being myself on paper all so that I would get the job or even an interview. I would much rather just have a conversation with someone and get to know them that way. because I know personally, I can't write. I don't know how to make myself sound good. and the whole idea of trying to make myself sound good is just dumb anyways.

but back to eharmony. you hear all about how "great of a christian they are. how much they love their bible and can't live without it. (literally...there is an option to answer 5 things you can't live w/o) and how Jesus Christ is the personal savior of their life…" and all those things are good things. I know that. someone who believes in Jesus and calls him savior. or someone who values his teachings and reads the word. good things. But I'd rather just get to know those things about you. on paper you sound a little too much.

and I'd rather you not tell me the kind of woman you want me to be.
maybe that should get me to look at my profile and reconsider some of the things I wrote for something I'm looking for in a guy. maybe it would turn people away who don't own a boat or like the beach. but I feel like I wrote it loosely, like "and hey! if you happen to want to take me for a walk down the beach with my dog or take me for a boat ride…I just might die." - it's how I really feel. but is it a deal breaker? no. I have to be open to the fact that maybe what I think I want might not be what I need. or what I think I want might actually not be all that enjoyable and God knows that…so someone who will surprise me with by different activities and be into different things might just not only be what I need…but what I'd enjoy more as well.

if I've learned anything in life it's that I {often} don't know what I need/want. I hype something up in my mind thinking it's going to satisfy me and then when I get it…or when I don't get it and realize how thankful I am for not having been given it…I can see that I don't know what the crap I'm talking about.

but that's scary and also stinks because sometimes I'd like to know what I'm talking about and I'd love to be like "this is what I've always wanted and dreamed up and prayed for and BAM…God answered" and maybe it will be that way. but maybe it won't. and I have to trust that God knows best. because he also knows my heart.

but enough about that. the point of this blog was to write about some of the nonsense you find with online dating. here is a glimpse. i sent this in an email to a friend a few months back and must have blocked it out of my memory. for real. because today she told me she had a funny story to share and began to tell me about one of her friends who joined eharmony as well. and how she was matched with this person...

[the following is an exact quote from someone's eharmony profile that i sent to my friend a few months ago. apparently her friend who recently joined came across the same profile and had to share with her friends...]

"I'm looking for a person who is passionate about her life: her relationships, her life goals, and her favorite activities. We should be able to have spiritual/philosophical conversations about life as well as funny conversations about less serious topics.Definitely not as important as what I wrote above but still worth mentioning, a woman who enjoys having her feet touched is a turn-on for me. I give great foot massages. If you want to have your feet pampered, I'm your man."
i wish i was kidding. but i think this speaks for itself.
it's tough being single and looking for a quality man in the year 2014. whether it be from church or a friend introducing you to someone. it can be awkward. it can cause fear and anxiety that maybe no one will come along. and in cases like this, it can especially be tough going through an online dating source.
WHY must you talk about wanting a woman who wants her feet touched? really.

that is all. 

say a prayer for me and all my single lady friends. because they are awesome. and i'd love to see them have some quality dates with some quality men.

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