Tonight I came home and like I do every night, I walked into my parent’s room to check that they were both in the same bed. But only my dad was in bed when I asked “Where’s mom?” (expecting the worst…that they had an argument and she was sleeping upstairs) I was greatly surprised to hear my dad’s response “She’s at church.” Church? On a Monday night? At 9:30 pm? My parents are in bed by like 7pm. But sure enough, my mom was at some women’s meeting and I thought that was pretty cool. And a relief. A relief that I would have never imagined or expected.
So she comes home , I’m in the bathroom and she asks if I’m going to be out soon. “Well I’m naked.” So I hopped in the shower, had her come in and she wanted to read me something. “Turn the water off” she says. “Don’t worry, I can hear you” I say. She begins to tell me “I wrote down my testimony.” Total suds in my hair, I turn off the water in the shower, crouch down in my shivers and she reads.
“Dear Jesus,
Today I feel like it’s a new beginning for me because I feel in my heart that what I need in my life is you in it. Sunday at church I feel like you were reaching out your hand for me to hold onto and never let go, something I never felt before and you were telling me to trust in you and nothing else. For the longest time I wanted what everyone else has and that is peace and joy in my heart and head that no pills can do or smoking pot because it is no real. So I’m laying down the walls I have up and reaching out for you to help me and not fear anymore and change me inside. So please Jesus make me new and release the chains. I am giving you my life to mold me and let me feel joy and peace that I never had so I am reaching out in faith and asking that there is true peace and joy that I can experience it too. So Jesus I am giving this to you because nothing can fill my voids but you and guide me every day and as I walk through life don’t ever let go of my hand that I am reaching out for. I am fed up with going to bed empty and waking up empty. I need to be filled with you Jesus. So I am going to put one foot in front of me and start a new beginning and never look back to the old me. I go from one medication to another looking for happiness but my daughter said “what do you have to lose? Jesus has something for you that I will never know until I take the chance.” So here I am Jesus. I give you myself and all my hurts, depression, sadness, emptiness so you can fill every part of me from head to toe and that I never felt in my life before. So this is why I feel like this is a new beginning for me and my life. You say if I believe you I will follow you and deny myself so I can give up smoking pot, that is nothing compared to what you did for me. So please help me and I will try to do all I can to please you so you will be proud of me and let my light shine for the whole world to see what Jesus can do for me. I saw your light shine in Maureen Sunday and I want that too. So thank you Jesus. From the hand that reached out and grabbed yours and have me hope.
Love, Laura.”
I’m sharing this because it’s pretty crazy. I’m writing this down in case she ever loses the papers she jotted down her testimony one lunch break on February 27, 2012. I’m writing this down as a reminder of the work of God. I’m sharing this so you may praise our God with me for how cool he is and for the things he is up to and the ways he reaches out to individuals. I’m writing this as a way to praise Him myself, as a way to thank Him. I’m sharing this because I can’t believe the words that came out of my mother’s mouth/from within her heart. I’m sharing this because I am in shock of the way he simply but radically spoke to her one random Sunday at church yesterday.
God, I’m thanking you for the work you are up to, even when I don’t see it on a daily basis and even when/especially when I doubt you are in the midst of it all. I’m thanking you that you work in ways that are far beyond my understanding. I’m thanking you for reaching out to my mom and in a way that is very tangible to her and encouraging to her soul. I’m thanking you that you reach out to us, such messed up people, and you call us. You tell us to come to you, to return to you, despite our rebellion. I’m thanking you that you just want to be with us and that you seem to use whatever it takes to get us to return to you. I’m thanking you that although my mom’s story and journey is often filled with very dark and challenging days, she now is catching a glimpse of your presence in the story and she is seeing your hand reaching out to her. I’m thanking you that in you reaching out your hand to grasp hers, that you are filling her with hope, something she often lacks. I pray that you will overwhelm her with your presence, with your hope. That you, the God of hope, would fill her with all hope and joy. I pray that each morning as she wakes, she will ask for you to satisfy her with your unfailing love so she may sing for joy to the end of her days. I’m praying that she will seek you and find that you are able to be found. I pray that she will know you as the father she never really had growing up but always longed for her whole life. I pray that you will show her that you are the ultimate father to her, your daughter- tender and compassionate. I pray that you will be filling her. Filling her with joy that overflows. Filling her with a knowledge of you. I am asking especially for life. Life with you in eternity where all her sadness and tears will be no more, but life here as well. Will you fill her with gladness and joy as she goes about her days. I pray you will help her to enjoy the gifts she has in her life like she so desires – her family, husband, children, animals, home. Will you replace her sadness with rejoicing, her despair with hope, her death with life. Will you break the chains that keep her in bondage and slavery and will you set her free. Free to truly live, truly trust, truly enjoy. Free to give you praise. I’m asking for freedom from the bondage to her depression and that as you fee her, she would see your kindness walking with her each day on the road to new life. Remove her from the pit, and as I just heard from Kait yesterday and another Saturday night – pull her out and help her to never look back.
I ask that you will be continually changing her. Continually working on all of us.
I thank you Lord for what you are up to. For the things you are up to that I can see and witness and hear about. But I especially thank you for the things you are up to that I don’t even know about, that I’m not aware of this very moment. Thank you for the encouragement this is. Thank you for reaching out to my mom in such a real way and for her sharing her testimony with such authenticity. It’s pretty crazy. In such a good kind of crazy.
Don’t stop here. Continue to do a miracle in our lives and hearts every day.
And thank you for a moment at 9:45pm on a Monday night that I would not be able to experience if I were elsewhere. Thank you for the beauty that is around me. Thank you that you know what you’re up to despite my thinking otherwise. Thank you for the gift and the beauty in “home” right now. For the time I get to be here and how if I would just surrender to where I am, I would be able to catch glimpses of the beauty in today. Thank you for the beauty.
praising you for your work. for your power. for your ability. for your pursuit. for your love and kindness to your children. for reaching out a hand. for reaching out your hand after your already gave your life.
