Wanna Hear Some Funny Jokes?

Kait and I were on the train last weekend and to kill some time, we started making up some funny jokes.

here they are:

How many monkeys does it take to open an ice cream container?

just one.

What do you do when a hippo shows up at your front door?

option 1: you say "HIP HIP HORRAY!!! it's a HIPP-O-POT-A-MUS!!"

option 2: you say "what took you so long?"

option 3: you do some hip hop moves

What do you do when a toilet bowl meets a cotton ball?

option 1: before they can answer say, really fast..."i don't know! you tell me!"

option 2: toilet bowl says "nice to meet you, wanna dunk?"

option 3: cotton ball says "i think we're gonna need another cotton ball."

What happens when a toy block meets a waffle?

option 1: toy block says "Heyy! i don't fit!!"

option 2: waffle says "Hey, are you a LEGO?!? cuz i'm an EGGO! YO!"

get them? aren't we funny?

we at least crack ourselves up and that's all that really matters ;)

Man, I feel like a Woman.

Today marks a very special day for me.

Wednesday, February 23rd.

The day when i went from a silly girl who won't go swimming with my friends down at the river,

to a woman who will be the first to dive on in!

summers will be so lovely now.

nothing will be stopping me from getting in my bathing suit and jumping in that ocean!

this day also confirmed some of my fears about truly being a woman. 

i still have to have one of those horrific examinations that i am DREADING...but at least i feel more comfortable now.

i just feel like a woman today.

well not really, but it sounds funny.

and hopefully i don't find my "womanhood" in all the wrong places like i sometimes tend to believe.

 

just a little excited about something that finally occurred today.

it's about freaking time!

 

ps- big shout out to my friend Becca.

thanks for all your love and support along the way.

haha.

Sleep Texting and other Funny Texting

a few days ago i was scrolling through my "sent texts" and came across one i did not recognize. it was addressed to a woman i have never texted before. a mom of one of the little boys i babysit from the preschool i work at. the mom who just a few days earlier had called to see if i could sit for her sons but because i was lazy and waited til the next day to call back, had already found someone else. so the mom who i now feel a little weird about because i feel guilty  and stupid for being my lame-self sometimes. i should just call people back for the 27 seconds it often takes. anyways...you get the point. i don't text her. i have never texted her! and this is what i send her at 2:51 AM. yes. 2:51 in the morning. she must think great thinks of me now. like that she's never going to ask me to babysit again because 1) i don't call her back and 2) i obviously get "drunk" and randomly text the moms of my kids at school.

only i was in no way drunk. just TOTALLY asleep.

here's the text exactly-

I hops u dirnt listrn to me cuz I fell asleep n woke ip at aljost 3! in dry land. Im sry bout that. Be safe n srr ya later

love that i added the exclamation point!

and don't ask me what the "in dry land" part is about cause i have no idea.

guess all i can do is hope and pray she doesn't get texts, right?

this is definitely the first time i have ever done this. or at least i think. kinda scary to think what i could potentially be texting to people...and random people in my phone! that i possibly never even talk to.

what's so funny to me is that texting on my touch screen phone is actually kind of tricky and requires a lot of steps so i don't know how i managed this. but now that i think of it i vaguellyyy remember randomly squinting and looking at my phone but maybe that's me making that up. but i would definitely be squinting if i were texting in my pitch dark room at 3 in the morning because my phone lights up BRIGHT!

as for a text that definitely made me laugh, it's one from my brother John.

i'm sure he'd be embarrassed if he saw me writing this on here but it's in no way a determinant of his smarts, cause he's definitely got a lot of those. but in other areas besides spelling.

he calls me a few days ago while i'm at work so i text him back i can't answer and the whole "what's up? is everything ok?" and he responds with:

wat is proper spelling for ockword.

i laugh and send him the correct spelling back. how funny, right? i mean he's got a point though- the way he spelled it definitely sounds like you say it. 

i later asked him what the deal with the text was- asked him if he was sending a text to some girl and before sending it wanted to spell correctly so he didn't look like a dummy.

his response was "got me kid. lol alot"

i'm too good! too too good!

but hey! i would have done the same.

Week Recap

Some treats to my week:

Valentines Day/Monday night spent at the ABC playing pool and watching the Bachelor. Yes, the Bachelor! it was so dead in there we got the workers to turn it on for us. it was pretty funny. we would play during the commercials and then stop when it came back on. there were probably a total of like 7 people in there, including workers.

My Aunty June and cousins Ashlee and Amanda came to visit for the weekend. we shopped a little and watched a movie and some tv. i found some cute things at the Salvation Army, like a beautiful mirror that i'm really excited about. Ash and Aunty June started knitting, Kait played Scrabble with Amanda, Amanda painted a picture frame. we ate yummy food and cooked a successful chicken brocoli and ziti alfredo. all in all it was great! so glad to have had them.

a sweet phone call from one of the little preschoolers from Sue's, Ben. He called to tell me all about his vacation in Florida and later i was told by his mother that i was the first person he shared his trip with. i felt so special! and unlike every other little kid i've talked to on the phone for about 30 seconds and then they pass it on to their mom, he talked my ear off for a good 5 minutes i'd say. he's so sweet and just made me smile the whole time. and then he even called me a little while later and left a voice message on my phone because i missed his call. [i SO saved that message on my phone} and i called back today and talked to him AGAIN! too sweet. i love him.

Cumberland Farms!! i should be in their commercial because i think they are great:

they have a no fee atm in there! 

the cheaptest gas in Amherst besides if you have some good Stop and Shop points!

a red box outside!

a gallon of milk for $2.69! beat that

and... any size coffee, hot or cold, for only 99cents a cup. yes 99cents a cup. that includes flavors and all. 

amazing. i will be getting my iced coffees there from now on. only thing is i wish they had a seating area for me to sit down and read/journal. if eel weird going somewhere with a drink already

these sweet boots:

they caught my eye right away. i've always wanted a pair of boat shoes because of my dad. in the summer that's all you can find him in and i've always wanted a pair just to match him. so these definitely caught my attention. i think him and my bro are going to love them

 

 

hearing that my brother wants to leave a plunger with every customer he does a job for. with his company name "Johnny Pipes" on it and his phone number.

how amazing is that? he's so creative that guy.

a fun and free night of pool at the ABC again tonight. gotta love their free sunday night pool.

i totally stunk tonight though! definitely not my night. not one bit.

doing silly tae bo with Kait.

and knowing that i have a week of vacation from work. 

but truly hoping to get some babysitting gigs because i need to make up for the lack of work going on this week!

hopes for the upcoming week:

be productive.

spend some good quality time with God.

be creative and start some crafts for people.

exercise.

cook.

enjoy.

The THINGS these kids say...

i'm here to share some more of the things these crazy little kids i work with everyday SAY.

because some of the things they say truly do make me laugh.

i find myself running for a piece of paper and pen to jot down some of the crazy things that come out of their mouths so that i can go home remembering and tell my roomies.

so here are a few i have written down in the past couple weeks

.

talking with one little girl from Sue's about how she is sick, she tells me she is on medicine.

J: Wanna know what the medicine is called?

me: YUP! what's it called?

J: GRAPE! with extra pronunciation of the PPP.

how cute. her medicine is "called" grape.

gosh do i remember the disgusting grape flavored medicine i always had to take as a kid. especially the children's tylenol. you'd think the grape flavor would make it a bit tasty but i remember crying and begging not to have to eat those chalky grape flavored tylenol that literally made me gag. it was torture.

---

sometime last week i was babysitting another little boy from the Common School. It's time to brush his teeth and get ready for bed so we're in the bathroom. he drops the toothpaste cap on the floor and it lands behind the toilet. he says "it's webby back there." i say "spider webby?" and he says yes and points to another corner of the bathroom where it is also "webby." that other corner was near a sliding closet in the bathroom and he tells me that behind those doors are "the buttons that control the house." and then the best of all...the part that made me literally run out of the room laughing to grab a piece of paper and pen to write it down so i didn't forget. he says:

"and sometimes when i'm on the toilet pooping i talk to that door. and i pretend it's scary!"

and so when i return to the room laughing i tell him that he's so funny and explain what i'm doing with the paper and pen. and then i repeat what he told me saying something like "oh ya? you talk to that door and pretend it's scary?" and he says "YAaa. and i pretend i'm scary back."

tell me that doesn't make you laugh? i'd love to be there for one of those moments to see what it looks like.he kills me.

---

today, one little boy from Sue's asked me if i wanted to see a Magic Trick. his magic trick was to take his beloved teddy bear/giraffe puppet that he brings with him to school everyday and stick it down his pants and then make it "reappear." he stuck it down his pants and then literally asked "do you want to see it reappear?" so i said yes, of course. but then a minute or two later as he's sticking it down his pants again he says something but i can't make it out. he says it again and i catch something...so i ask him "something came out of your underwear?" and he says something like "ya, my penis." i'm kind of shocked at what's coming out of his mouth and then i do the typical response of "ohh ya?" but then add "well you better put it back in!" -- what else do you say to that? haha and then the best part...he pauses for a second and then says "I can't find it."

i told my boss this a bit later and we both laughed.

---

one little boy randomly said his mom was "handsome" today. how cute

---

and another one that just killed me today! one of my favorite little boys from the Common School points out a plant in the room that's in a pot. he's talking about how pretty it is and then walks over to lift it up. before the woman i work with can tell him not to pick it up he already has it in his hands. and then he says

"it's not very heavy. it's only 3 minutes heavy." 

the woman i work with and i just look at each other and start laughing! she says to him "Oh ya, 3 minutes heavy?" and then he goes "YA! and that's not heavy."

HOW FUNNY! 3 minutes heavy? that's gotta be one of my favorites yet.

---

so ya, some of these kids have ridiculously funny things that come out of their mouths. and hopefully i will be there to keep writing them down to share.

 hope you get a kick out of them like i do.

I Want

one of these!!

so badly. oh so badly. 

they make my heart melt.

 just look at how cute they are as pups.

my goodness.

oh, Preschoolers

some days i think i really don't enjoy working with preschoolers.
part of that is due to my constant discontentment with all things in life (something i need major work on) so i think my job is not "ideal" -- therefore making preschoolers not ideal.
but part of it is also due to just how stinkin hard it can be on some days!
days where they don't wanna help clean up any of their messes so i end up picking up after them all day. or days when they can't seem to pull up their sleeves on their own or turn on the water to wash their hands on their own. or days where washing hands takes what seems like 10 minutes per child when it should be a 1 minute thing. or days when they simply don't wanna wash their hands- even after they have just peed and not even wiped themselves before pulling up their pants!! those kind of days.
or days when they don't wanna pull up their pants after going to the bathroom. so they sit on the floor, bare butt, yelling "NOOO" to me as i try to get them up and help them. but then i become insecure at what i'm doing and feel like i am doing something horrific because they are screaming as though i'm murdering them. those kind of days.
or days when they don't wanna nap so refuse to. those kind of days make the day so much more difficult.
or days when i'm eating my lunch (in about 10 minutes tops) while having kids come over to talk to me but end up spitting their crackers or whatever they are eating at the time, all over my face. this actually isn't so bad- gross, indeed. but kind of funny. and on a good day for me, i enjoy them being all over me. but sometimes it can be challenging to not get 10 mins of freedom of attention giving and constant interaction.
i don't know how my boss does it. all day.

and i guess how parents do it?! this is indeed part of parenting. but on such a lighter scale. and yet still so tiring. oh boy. and i wonder if i will ever be able to handle parenting.

but i have to remind myself that this does not mean i don't enjoy preschoolers in general.
as little beings.
just maybe i'm not set out to work with them. because they require so much energy and i'd much rather be working with early elementary. and doing math and spelling.

but despite all those things, they are pretty DANG funny!
examples:


today while playing with one little boy, i get a strong whiff of some pee. i take a look down at his pants and realize he is wet all over the front. turns out he was wet all over his behind too when he walked away to get changed. but this was our lil conversation-
Me: Did you go to the bathroom? Did you go to the bathroom in your pants?
J: [looks at me for a few seconds] i already went......[pause] woooops!!

i couldn't help but laugh. his response with the "woooops" just killed me.
things like this really do make my job enjoyable. i just laugh at them.

another interaction with the same kid {once he got his pants changed.}
we were playing with these things (don't know the name for them) that basically remind me of big straws. so he put two together and said something like-
J: Look! a fishing pole!
Me: Ohh, cool! {and i do the motions to rail it in. and then ask him} is there a fish on the end???
J: No, i just caught a BOOT!


a boot? and he said it so loud and emphasized the "t" on the end. BOOT.
i died again. where did that come from. i just wasn't expecting a boot.
it killed me.

and the final, best of all. best of all because it's the grossest of all.

one of my favorite little girls is on the toilet today. her English isn't the best and her accent is great! i love hearing her call my name..."Va-ginnn-IAA." you obviously can't hear that in your head as you read it like i can but just imagine it. it's hilarious.

so while on the toilet, she looks back. to see what she's dropped in the toilet i guess.

she says: "S" Va-ginn-IA. S

confused, i go over and take a look. but before i even need to look, i can smell the poop as i entered the bathroom.
"aww, dang. i gotta deal with poop" is my immediate thought.

so getting past the smell, {this is my job, i'm pretty used to it by now} i take a look and INDEED...there is her poop, in the shape of an S. it was so funny.
the fact that she took a look at her poop. the fact that despite her not so great english, she knew the letter S, even made by her own poop. the fact that i'm looking at someone else's poop and thinking "you're so right, it is an S." the fact that it was the longest string of poop i have everrrr witnessed! gross i know, but it was long. and unbroken. haha. so nasty i know but you had to see it.

and then i proceed to laugh inside and out loud a little as i watch her and her little smirk, almost as though she were impressed with her work. and then i wipe her bumm.

yes, this is my job.