the trouble with online dating...

Hey blog. I'm back again. It's been a while.

I'm all over the place with my thoughts. I realize I made a list of my goals a few weeks ago with the start of a new year {2014} that I meant to post here. Not really for anyone else (because who seriously reads my blog? no one) but as a reminder for myself. and to have something to go back to and look at from time to time. I should probably go find that in my email somewhere and post it here.

What's been going on? Well, I gave up facebook for the next 21ish days or so. I read somewhere a few nights ago "it takes 21 days to break a habit." or it's something like "it takes 21 days to start a habit." I can never remember which it is.

but really, it's the same to me. I feel like starting a new habit has got to be breaking some sort of bad habit at the same time. you're probably replacing the new thing for the old thing. or breaking some sort of bad habit is really starting a new habit. the new habit is not doing the old habit. I don't know if that makes sense but in my mind it does.

the motivation to write an entry is because I want to document something silly. 

completely silly and creepy and just weird! strange. odd. unnecessary.

so here goes:

it's a little something called eharmony.

a few months back while hanging in my bedroom with 2 close friends, one of them goes "this is what I would write in my 'about me' section on a dating site if I were Virginia…." and it got my attention. "alright, this is going to be good…I want to write these things down. you know, in case some day I join." so I was about to grab my computer to email these things to myself when Trace said to me "wait, what are you doing? log on and we will create an account for you right now…"

well ok then.

and that began the time I signed up for eharmony. but the free version. so all that means is basically I made an account, answered some questions about myself (which, by the way - if you're going to make an account, do it with a couple friends over. it is a lot easier to hear things about yourself and write them down that maybe you don’t notice in yourself. or it's especially easy when there is a section like "what would your friends say are your best qualities…" you can ask them right then and there and they can answer for you. easy peasy). so I made a free account. I go on here and there and check out people I'm matched with. but basically that means I judge whose account to look at based by their name/age because I can't see any pictures and you're matched with a hundred people a day. not being able to see pictures is good because it enables me from being completely shallow and only looking at the guys who i find attractive. but knowing what someone looks like would be nice too. so I play a little game: "ohhh. Jef. that looks like a cool name. 27? that's a good age i'd say" or "hmmm. Spencer. that's a little weird. 35? probably too old for me" and I don’t look. what the heck do i know anyways? 

I'm not taking this thing seriously. but if I were, I would love to pay for an account and have access to the whole thing and see who has viewed my profile and all that jazz.

but you know what stinks about it? it's basically like a resume. but instead of people reading it and deciding if you are qualified for a job, they read it and see if you are interesting/exciting/holy enough to date you. you want to say all the good qualities about yourself. you want to prove you're likable. or even worse, that you're a good, modest, sweet, christian woman with a "gentle and quiet spirit." and they want to prove the same. only about being a good christian man.

and it just turns me off.

turns. me. off.

because whenever someone tries to impress me, I am so not impressed. the complete opposite of being impressed. because I notice the little things in the opposite sex. I like to observe someone when they're not paying attention or when they don't notice I'm looking and find things I like about them that way. not read a list of their qualities on their best day and decide that way. I want to know people's character. I want to know what their friends think of them. I want to know if they even have friends! how they interact with children. things like that. and a quick profile glance doesn't show me those things. it might tell me. but I have always hated the idea of pumping myself up and not being myself on paper all so that I would get the job or even an interview. I would much rather just have a conversation with someone and get to know them that way. because I know personally, I can't write. I don't know how to make myself sound good. and the whole idea of trying to make myself sound good is just dumb anyways.

but back to eharmony. you hear all about how "great of a christian they are. how much they love their bible and can't live without it. (literally...there is an option to answer 5 things you can't live w/o) and how Jesus Christ is the personal savior of their life…" and all those things are good things. I know that. someone who believes in Jesus and calls him savior. or someone who values his teachings and reads the word. good things. But I'd rather just get to know those things about you. on paper you sound a little too much.

and I'd rather you not tell me the kind of woman you want me to be.

maybe that should get me to look at my profile and reconsider some of the things I wrote for something I'm looking for in a guy. maybe it would turn people away who don't own a boat or like the beach. but I feel like I wrote it loosely, like "and hey! if you happen to want to take me for a walk down the beach with my dog or take me for a boat ride…I just might die." - it's how I really feel. but is it a deal breaker? no. I have to be open to the fact that maybe what I think I want might not be what I need. or what I think I want might actually not be all that enjoyable and God knows that…so someone who will surprise me with by different activities and be into different things might just not only be what I need…but what I'd enjoy more as well.

if I've learned anything in life it's that I {often} don't know what I need/want. I hype something up in my mind thinking it's going to satisfy me and then when I get it…or when I don't get it and realize how thankful I am for not having been given it…I can see that I don't know what the crap I'm talking about.

but that's scary and also stinks because sometimes I'd like to know what I'm talking about and I'd love to be like "this is what I've always wanted and dreamed up and prayed for and BAM…God answered" and maybe it will be that way. but maybe it won't. and I have to trust that God knows best. because he also knows my heart.

but enough about that. the point of this blog was to write about some of the nonsense you find with online dating. here is a glimpse. i sent this in an email to a friend a few months back and must have blocked it out of my memory. for real. because today she told me she had a funny story to share and began to tell me about one of her friends who joined eharmony as well. and how she was matched with this person...

[the following is an exact quote from someone's eharmony profile that i sent to my friend a few months ago. apparently her friend who recently joined came across the same profile and had to share with her friends...]

"I'm looking for a person who is passionate about her life: her relationships, her life goals, and her favorite activities. We should be able to have spiritual/philosophical conversations about life as well as funny conversations about less serious topics.Definitely not as important as what I wrote above but still worth mentioning, a woman who enjoys having her feet touched is a turn-on for me. I give great foot massages. If you want to have your feet pampered, I'm your man."

i wish i was kidding. but i think this speaks for itself.

it's tough being single and looking for a quality man in the year 2014. whether it be from church or a friend introducing you to someone. it can be awkward. it can cause fear and anxiety that maybe no one will come along. and in cases like this, it can especially be tough going through an online dating source.

WHY must you talk about wanting a woman who wants her feet touched? really.

that is all. 

say a prayer for me and all my single lady friends. because they are awesome. and i'd love to see them have some quality dates with some quality men.

letting go of the leash

yesterday i took Misty for a walk down the beach. as we were walking on the sand i decided i wanted to let her off the leash. i've done this before and she is always just fine. she doesn't really run off without me and every so many steps she takes a look back at me to make sure i am following.

i really love letting her loose because she goes CRAZY and has such a fun time. the sand makes her mental and she gallops and runs around like a crazy lady and cracks me up.

but there's always that part of me that panics. PANICS. i always fear the worst. that she will run off and get attacked by another dog. or get hit by a car. die in front of me. i have issues and always expect the worst of almost any scenario.

so i made sure no one was around. no other dogs. and i let go.

but i simply let go of her leash and let her run free and explore rather than taking her leash off for her to run free.

{i do this just in case i have to grab for her quick or i am chasing after her. i will have something to grab for rather than her collar. the poor thing - she runs a little funny because she is dragging the leash behind her trying for it to not get in her way}

and yesterday i was reminded (yet again) of just how tightly i hold onto things.

when i walk with Misty i almost always have the leash wrapped around my hand a few times. i hold onto it tight and then wrap it an extra couple times just in case.

i do this to ensure i'm in control. and although in this case it is probably ok that i want to be in control and i want to make sure Misty is alright and doesn't get into any trouble, it's not ok that i do that when it comes to God. silly me never realized my how great my desire for control over my life is until a few months ago during redemption group.

all that to say - i have to let go. and not just let go of the leash so it trails behind as a way to guarantee i can be fast enough to run for it and grab it back again in case of an emergency (like i do while walking Misty) but i have to be willing to let go by taking the leash off completely. and give up stinkin control. and trust God with my life

what the heck is my problem?!?! i don't know best. at all. at all

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couple reminders that i always go back to.

[yes i talk to myself]

Virginia, remember how you saw that house in Winthrop that you so desperately wanted to live in?  you loved it because of the location, down the public stairs to dunkin, in your favorite town close to the yacht club, a few steps away from a rocky beach, ocean views in every room on one side of the house, hardwood floors, beautifullll in every way. but it just wasn't right. you asked everyone you knew to live there with you but it just wouldn't work out. well, that's because you didn't know what God had in store just about one year later. you didn't know how He'd allow for you to save some money and pay off extra on your loans while living with your parents for a while. you would have never imagined an apartment being as perfect for you as the one you thought was perfect in Winthrop but Malden turned out to be even better in completely different ways: super close to new friendships, wonderful neighborhood, BEST landlord, awesome neighbor, exposed brick, BESTTTTT bedroom, where you can have Misty. wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. and as great as you thought Winthrop would have been, God knows you love to have people to share your home with and he knew you'd be meeting a whole bunch of new people from a church hadn't started attending yet and knew nobody would probably ever wanna drive all the way to Winthrop to hang out with you. but in Malden? you'd have people over all the time. you'd love it. it would be a gift. a gift specific to your heart and desires. and it would be a blessing. and He knew it would be. 

He knew better.

as He often [always] does.

and Misty!

Remember how mmaadddddd you were that mom and dad were getting a new dog just days after Lightning? gosh. you were YELL-ing at them. yelling. you thought they were rushing it. you didn't even think she was that cute. ???? you did not want her.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!!?

you had no idea that upon meeting her you would be ashamed you ever thought that about her.

you didn't know she would be the answer to your prayers for wanting "your very own dog someday" and although she isn't technically only yours, she really seems it. you have the sweetest bond and she's the first dog you've ever had that has given you hope of your future working with dogs&children and she has affirmed your dreams on so many occassions and given you glimpses of what you really enjoy doing. 

if it were up to you, Misty would not be your dog. and that is scarrrrryyyyyyy to think about.

because boyyyy, did you have NO IDEA just how much of a blessing she would be. 

i can't even believe it. she is the most wonderful thing.

point is, i'm thankful that God knows.

even when i act like a know-it-all.

even when i beg for something and am not given what i want at that very moment.

i'm thankful that he provides.

and in these two cases, he provided with big gifts.

the gift of a wonderful apartment that i would never have imagined would top the one i so desperately wanted in Winthrop.

and another gift in the form of a dog i really did not want at first because i had something else in mind for the perfect dog.

i'm glad God knows. 

and cares.

i often have to remind myself of all the ways He has shown this because i am so quick to forget or just think lies about Him.

He just wants our trust.

and i want to and need to just let go. and trust Him. 

 my sweet girl last summer while walking one of our favorite spots: Deer Island. notice her "off the leash"

deliverance to dependence

Redemption Chapter 5: Demanding Manna

Oh, how I can relate to the Israelites. I am just like them.

I have really enjoyed reading about the Israelites for a while now because I can so relate with their interactions with the Lord. Reading about how God delivered the Israelites, tonight I learned that their deliverance wasn't the end of their story. God was setting them free so that they could experience Him in a way they couldn't while living in captivity.

They were on a journey of deliverance to dependence. Much like we all are.

What we often do, like the Israelites – is we forget too quickly. God mightily delivered the Israelites through the sea. He walked with them. He fought for them. He led them to the other side, through raging waters and away from their captors, and so quickly after arriving to the wilderness, they lost trust. They soon forgot what He had already done and they had thoughts that He was going to just leave them to die in the wilderness. And even worse, they looked back to where they came from, setting their eyes to Egypt, forgetting how horrific and harsh their conditions were. Forgetting just how bad it was under the rule of Pharaoh. Forgetting how enslaved they were. Forgetting enough that they wished to go back, thinking they were better off to die there rather than out in the wilderness where they thought they would starve to death.

And then God gave them manna. Enough for each day. Providing for their every need. Trying to teach them to trust. Every time they were to think of their need and their hunger, they would have to turn to God. He was longing for their dependence on Him.

Because that’s all He really wants. Relationship with us and for us to daily depend on Him.

We are delivered to depend on Him every day and so that we learn to trust Him.

But the Israelites grumbled.

“What if we don’t have enough?” “What if He doesn’t provide?” “Let me grab for more, even though He told me to take only what I need…just in case.”

I grumble.

“What if He doesn’t provide?” “What if He doesn’t take care of this?” “What if He doesn’t give me life on my terms – husband and children?” “What if He doesn’t take care of my parents/my family/their marriage?” “Let me try to control.”

I lack trust. I don’t believe He has my best interests in mind. Or that He knows them. {distrust}

I try to control. I try to be God and save my family. I take it into my own hands because I fear that without my work it will crumble. Not trusting that the Lord is the only one to redeem and the only one to save.  {pride}

My affections go towards the created rather than the Creator. I worship good things that can’t satisfy my heart like only He can. I give good things the place in my heart that only He should have.  I look for other things to satisfy what only He can. {idolatry}

I forget.

I forget how He has shown me redemption & reconciliation in a special friendship before. He worked out a miracle. Why can’t He do the same work within my family? I forget how He has provided me with a wonderful job when I really needed one and that I did nothing to receive. Pure grace and kindness. I forget how quickly He gave me a housing situation when I really needed one. Not only with friends to live with, but in an awesome apartment with specific little things that excite my heart. Close to my job and even closer to new friendships. An incredible blessing that I honestly couldn't have written up because I didn't see how there would be a way for me to move out. And a church. A church to call home and experience community and learn from – all of which I desired. And with people that fill my life with such joy and that I can have lunch with every Sunday when just months before I left another church and cried almost each week, desiring to belong and wishing they’d want me to join them to their lunch plans but never being invited. I’m not even sure if I even asked God for that, something as silly as to have people to enjoy lunch with, and yet He gave it to me anyway. And it means so much.

I have no reason not to trust Him. I’m foolish.

I’m going to trust Him. Because He is trustworthy.

Tonight I confessed my sins. I confessed and asked Him to take the weight I have been carrying. He wants to take it from me. I don’t have to carry it anymore. I handed it over.

I’m a long ways away I’m sure. I have a lot of changes I need to make that are practical ways for me to not be distracted. But I gave Him the weight I have been carrying about my future – husband, children. I’m not going to worry about it. I’m not going to give it the time I’m used to giving to thinking about it. I gave Him the weight of worrying about my family and trying to hold it together. I can’t hold it together. I’m not strong enough. I don’t want to carry these things. I gave them to Him. And I don’t want to look back.

I want to trust Him, day by day, moment by moment, for him to provide for all I need. Trusting and remembering that He always knows best.

I want to stop grumbling. And start trusting.

Start calling out to him for my daily needs. My daily satisfaction. Trusting in Him to provide my manna for each day. And seeing what relationship will look like with Him like that.

Pretty crazy that He wants to take our burdens and carry them for us. And He just wants relationship with us. He just wants us to depend on Him. That should bring relief to be able to call out to Him in need.

Oh how I need to learn trust. And how I need to practice surrendering. 

Praying for a posture of hands opened up towards Him - giving it all to Him.

You can’t see something that you’re not looking at

(I started writing this post a few Sundays ago but was never able to post it due to my lack of internet at home!)

--

DERR! Sounds easy enough. Makes perfect sense. But it didn’t dawn on me until today during church. I thought to myself “Virginia, you can’t see something if you’re not looking at it.”

Today’s sermon was just what I needed to hear. I am so thankful for it. And while I’m on a thankful note – man, am I thankful for GENESIS. I’m so thankful that about ½ a year ago Rachel began to tell me about a sermon her pastor had spoken that was really relevant to my heart. And she invited me to check out her church sometime and I have been back every Sunday since. I’m thankful for the teaching, for the community, for the friends I have made, the things I am learning, and the cutest darn children. I’m tremendously encouraged and for that, I’m thankful.

---

 I have a real issue with idols in my life. Sometimes I think I tend to not see the severity in this issue, other times I don’t even know how to begin to battle them, and more times I am just so consumed and discouraged by them and how distant I feel from God as a reult. The  thing(s) I worship are not bad things. But that’s just the thing – they are good things, desirable things even, but I have let them take the place of God in my life and that is not ok.

It wasn’t until sometime in 2010/beginning of 2011 that I even realized I was worshiping any idols. Sure, I knew there were things that consumed my thoughts and heart, but I never knew the place they took over God. That was until I was given a book called “Idols of the Heart.” It was then that I realized just how bad my [heart] condition really was.

---

I have so much on my mind. So many things that go together and I am not organized at all.

So many things that I think God could be trying to teach me/talk to me about.

Everything ties together. Like the realization I had after being introduced to that book: that there are some idols in my heart that I need to deal with. And how the reason why I ever even wanted to hear more about GENESIS was because of the sermon Rachel told me about- a sermon asking the question “what are your false husbands?” – essentially, (and yet again) what am I worshipping? And then how one of my “asks” for this year is to be freed from the enslavement to my idol worship and to experience life as a result of this freedom. And ultimately joy that I believe will flow with that life - once I am freed. And even another thing I want to be tackling – my insecurities.  I’m beginning to read Beth Moore’s “So Long Insecurities” and she mentions the idea of “false positives” that we believe – again, addressing these lies that I believe about certain idols. Things that I let take the place of God in my life. Things I think will satisfy more than Him, when really, they cannot.

Oh brother. That’s a lot of stuff having to deal with the same issue- my idolatry.

So back to the sermon.

Today Brance spoke on King David and how he was considered a man after God’s own heart. He spoke about how David wasn’t a man after God’s heart because he had everything together and lived a near perfect life. In fact, that was not the case at all. David was a sinner. He committed adultery and in an act to cover up his own mistake, he went to have this woman’s husband killed.

But he was still considered a man after God’s heart.

Why?  Because of his response to his sin.

We see some of his response in Psalm 51 (which again, this is another piece that ties together with everything else I have been thinking about over the past 2 years. Psalm 51 has been my favorite psalm/a favorite passage from the Bible ever since I came across it sometime around the time I was realizing all my idol worship. It is all so relevant to me.) Anyways, David recognized his sin. He recognized that he had sinned against God. King David turned away from God to a false promise/false god – the woman he committed adultery with. But he didn’t stay there.

Brance said that sin is when we turn away from God to the things He has created and love them more than Him. This is something that dawned on me this past fall – I tend to worship the created more than I worship the Creator. I worship the idea of something he created (marriage) more than I worship the creator/author of that thing called marriage.

He spoke about repentance and this is what was the most impactful part of the sermon for me. I have heard of repentance before, of course, but I need to get in the practice of repenting on a daily, moment to moment basis.

Repentance is turning from my sin and to Jesus. It’s turning our backs on our sin and facing Jesus.

Maybe in turning to Jesus, then would I finally be able to see him.

Another thing that is so specific to what I’ve been asking lately. I have been journaling something like “Lord, help me to see you. I feel like I can’t see you. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear. I want to see. Please help me to see.”

Why am I not seeing? BAM. Maybe it’s because I’m not looking!! My gaze is somewhere else. How in the world can I possibly be seeing if I am not even looking in His direction? Seriously! It makes perfect sense. I need to be repenting and turning my back on my idolatry (on the false promises I believe. On the idols I am turning to) and turn to God. Turn my back on my sin and look to Him.

Psalm 51: 16-17 says “You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, o God.”

Brance also mentioned how it would be a lot easier to give a bull or a dove as a sacrifice. It’s a lot harder to give our hearts as a sacrifice. And God wants our hearts.

Reminds me of the beginning of a proverb I came across a few days ago: “O my daughter, give me your heart.” He wants my heart. He wants our hearts.

So, I need to repent. I need to keep battling and fighting against these lies, these false promises I believe. I need to turn my back on my idols and give back to God the place he deserves in my heart. I need to seek him because he says He can be found. And in seeking him, my prayer is that I will find Him. And that in facing toward him, I will begin to have this sight that I have been asking for.

I need to remember the most obvious of obvious: Virginia, you can’t see something that you’re not looking at. So shift your gaze. Start looking towards him.

And maybe then you will see Him.

Actually, believe you will see Him.

And believe it will make all the difference.

an unexpected testimony

Tonight I came home and like I do every night, I walked into my parent’s room to check that they were both in the same bed. But only my dad was in bed when I asked “Where’s mom?” (expecting the worst…that they had an argument and she was sleeping upstairs) I was greatly surprised to hear my dad’s response “She’s  at church.” Church? On a Monday night? At 9:30 pm? My parents are in bed by like 7pm. But sure enough, my mom was at some women’s meeting and I thought that was pretty cool. And a relief. A relief that I would have never imagined or expected.

So she comes home , I’m in the bathroom  and she asks if I’m going to be out soon. “Well I’m naked.” So I hopped in the shower, had her come in and she wanted to read me something. “Turn the water off” she says. “Don’t worry, I can hear you” I say. She begins to tell me “I wrote down my testimony.” Total suds in my hair, I turn off the water in the shower, crouch down in my shivers and she reads.

“Dear Jesus,

Today I feel like it’s a new beginning for me because I feel in my heart that what I need in my life is you in it. Sunday at church I feel like you were reaching out your hand for me to hold onto and never let go, something I never felt before and you were telling me to trust in you and nothing else. For the longest time I wanted what everyone else has and that is peace and joy in my heart and head that no pills can do or smoking pot because it is no real. So I’m laying down the walls I have up and reaching out for you to help me and not fear anymore and change me inside. So please Jesus make me new and release the chains. I am giving you my life to mold me and let me feel joy and peace that I never had so I am reaching out in faith and asking that there is true peace and joy that I can experience it too. So Jesus I am giving this to you because nothing can fill my voids but you and guide me every day and as I walk through life don’t ever let go of my hand that I am reaching out for. I am fed up with going to bed empty and waking up empty. I need to be filled with you Jesus. So I am going to put one foot in front of me and start a new beginning and never look back to the old me. I go from one medication to another looking for happiness but my daughter said “what do you have to lose? Jesus has something for you that I will never know until I take the chance.” So here I am Jesus. I give you myself and all my hurts, depression, sadness, emptiness so you can fill every part of me from head to toe and that I never felt in my life before. So this is why I feel like this is a new beginning for me and my life. You say if I believe you I will follow you and deny myself so I can give up smoking pot, that is nothing compared to what you did for me. So please help me and I will try to do all I can to please you so you will be proud of me and let my light shine for the whole world to see what Jesus can do for me. I saw your light shine in Maureen Sunday and I want that too. So thank you Jesus. From the hand that reached out and grabbed yours and have me hope.

Love, Laura.”

I’m sharing this because it’s pretty crazy. I’m writing this down in case she ever loses the papers she jotted down her testimony one lunch break on February 27, 2012. I’m writing this down as a reminder of the work of God. I’m sharing this so you may praise our God with me for how cool he is and for the things he is up to and the ways he reaches out to individuals. I’m writing this as a way to praise Him myself, as a way to thank Him. I’m sharing this because I can’t believe the words that came out of my mother’s mouth/from within her heart. I’m sharing this because I am in shock of the way he simply but radically spoke to her one random Sunday at church yesterday.

God, I’m thanking you for the work you are up to, even when I don’t see it on a daily basis and even when/especially when I doubt you are in the midst of it all. I’m thanking you that you work in ways that are far beyond my understanding. I’m thanking you for reaching out to my mom and in a way that is very tangible to her and encouraging to her soul. I’m thanking you that you reach out to us, such messed up people, and you call us. You tell us to come to you, to return to you, despite our rebellion. I’m thanking you that you just want to be with us and that you seem to use whatever it takes to get us to return to you. I’m thanking you that although my mom’s story and journey is often filled with very dark and challenging days, she now is catching a glimpse of your presence in the story and she is seeing your hand reaching out to her. I’m thanking you that in you reaching out your hand to grasp hers, that you are filling her with hope, something she often lacks. I pray that you will overwhelm her with your presence, with your hope. That you, the God of hope, would fill her with all hope and joy. I pray that each morning as she wakes, she will ask for you to satisfy her with your unfailing love so she may sing for joy to the end of her days. I’m praying that she will seek you and find that you are able to be found. I pray that she will know you as the father she never really had growing up but always longed for her whole life. I pray that you will show her that you are the ultimate father to her, your daughter- tender and compassionate. I pray that you will be filling her. Filling her with joy that overflows. Filling her with a knowledge of you. I am asking especially for life. Life with you in eternity where all her sadness and tears will be no more, but life here as well. Will you fill her with gladness and joy as she goes about her days. I pray you will help her to enjoy the gifts she has in her life like she so desires – her family, husband, children, animals, home. Will you replace her sadness with rejoicing, her despair with hope, her death with life. Will you break the chains that keep her in bondage and slavery and will you set her free. Free to truly live, truly trust, truly enjoy. Free to give you praise. I’m asking for freedom from the bondage to her depression and that as you fee her, she would see your kindness walking with her each day on the road to new life. Remove her from the pit, and as I just heard from Kait yesterday and another Saturday night – pull her out and help her to never look back.

I ask that you will be continually changing her. Continually working on all of us.

I thank you Lord for what you are up to. For the things you are up to that I can see and witness and hear about. But I especially thank you for the things you are up to that I don’t even know about, that I’m not aware of this very moment. Thank you for the encouragement this is. Thank you for reaching out to my mom in such a real way and for her sharing her testimony with such authenticity. It’s pretty crazy. In such a good kind of crazy.

Don’t stop here. Continue to do a miracle in our lives and hearts every day. 

And thank you for a moment at 9:45pm on a Monday night that I would not be able to experience if I were elsewhere. Thank you for the beauty that is around me. Thank you that you know what you’re up to despite my thinking otherwise. Thank you for the gift and the beauty in “home” right now. For the time I get to be here and how if I would just surrender to where I am, I would be able to catch glimpses of the beauty in today. Thank you for the beauty. 

praising you for your work. for your power. for your ability. for your pursuit. for your love and kindness to your children. for reaching out a hand. for reaching out your hand after your already gave your life. 

{i'm a change in the making}

really loving this song:

Addison Road - Change in the Making

it's bringing much hope.

There’s a better version of me
That I can’t quite see
But things are gonna change
Right now I’m a total mess and
Right now I’m completely incomplete
But things are gonna change
Cause you’re not through with me yet

This is redemption’s story
With every step that I'm taking
Every day, you’re chipping away
What I don’t need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be
I'm a change in the making

Wish I could live more patiently
Wish I could give a little more of me
Without stopping to think twice
Wish I had faith like a little child
Wish I could walk a single mile
Without tripping on my own feet
But you’re not through with me yet

And this is redemption’s story
With every step that I'm taking
And every day, you’re chipping away
What I don’t need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken 
Every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be

From the dawn of history
{You make new and you redeem}
From a broken world to a broken heart
You finish what you start in everything
Like a river rolls into the sea
We’re not who we’re going to be
But things are going to change 

I'm living redemption’s story
With every step that I'm taking
And every day, you’re chipping away
What I don’t need
And this is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be
I'm a change in the making 

I'm not who I'm gonna be
Moving closer to your glory

I CARRIED A WATERMELON?!?!?!

please tell me you've seen Dirty Dancing.

oh how i love Dirty Dancing! it is definitely my longest-favorite movie of all time.

i wish i knew how many times i have seen it because it would be a lot.

i often laugh with my friends when the topic of Dirty Dancing comes up. or Disney movies. because i always tell them that while they were all watching the Little Mermaid or the Lion King, i was watching Dirty Dancing.

{yes...probably 4-years old.} in fact, what i really wish i knew is not necessarily how many times i have seen the movie but how old i was when i first saw it.

so ya, while they all quote every Disney movie and sing every theme song, i can never join in.
because i was the little girl watching Dirty Dancing.

i was the little girl pulling out my couch so that i could try to walk on the back of it like Johnny and Baby do on the log.

and i'm still the girl who will put the DVD in the player or go to youtube just so i can watch the last 5 or so minutes of the movie...the scene i wait for while watching the entire movie.

when Johnny says "nobody puts Baby in a corner" and grabs her hand to take her to go dance on the stage.

and i'm still the girl who pathetically can get tears in her eyes when i hear the final song and wish and pray that someday i'll dance to that song at my wedding. i'm not saying i have to do the whole dance, although that would be so freaking cool and i've seen it done on youtube.
BUT i definitely want that to be my last song of the night.
"now i'veeeeee had the time of my lifeeeee....and i owe it all to youuuuuuuuuu!"

a girl can dream.

ANYWAYS! enough about the end scene.

if you've seen the movie before you can remember the scene where Baby sneaks out one night and finds Johnny's cousin (who i forget his name now! what a fan i am!) walking up to where all the "dirty dancing" takes place. and up the stairs he is carrying 3 watermelons.

eventually Baby take one and is led up into the room which much surprise at what all happens after work hours are over.
and Johnny walks in, eventually saying about how she got there and she responds with
"i carried a watermelon."

and i just love her face afterward and her embarrassment as she says to herself "I carried a watermelon?!?!" because this is often my life.

i get nervous. say something ridiclous. and then afterward say it back to myself with such horror and embarrassment.

example:

so here's a little story. i sent this email to my friend Kait weeks ago knowing that she'd get a kick out of it.
hopefully you can understand the way i talk because that is the way i type -
often not making any sense to anyone unless you can actually hear me saying it as you read.

{so the man taking the shredded bins is here and just introduced himself to me. he was telling me he was gonna go bring the other bins down and come back for the rest... yada yada. and he says something like "ok and then I'll be right back, Virginia" -- (he was acknowledging my name because of my name thing on my desk.) and then he says something about his name being Rafael and shakes my hand, introducing himself. and then says "you have beautiful eyes by the way…" and I say "thank you, you do too…I've been noticing them." OH MY WORDDD.. I've been noticing them?! that's like in dirty dancing when she says "I CARRIED A WATERMELON???!!!"}

fyi: he did have beautiful eyes. beautiful enough that it probably wasn't odd for me to point them out in response to his compliment. he was hispanic and had eyes that he shouldn't have is the only way i know how to describe it. the dark skin with like clear crystal blue/green eyes. you don't see that everyday. and when you do, they stand out. apparently enough to make me notice them.

more than once! haha

so there was my "I carried a watermelon?!?!" moment.

i was freaked because a) i was talking to a guy and feeling like he was being extra friendly and i have issues and b) he was complimenting me and i got nervous...therefore making c) my nervousness got the best of me making it extra easy to say something stupid.

so i went on to tell the story to my friend and co-work Katy and we laughed together.

and i go on to tell the story here so i can laugh some more.

the thing is is that he DID have beautiful eyes. where i went wrong was with how i worded it in a panic...

i had not been NOTICING them. although yes, i DID notice them. just once though.

this is what happens when I'm nervous. and there's nothing to be nervous. he's simply saying something nice about me but I just almost freak a little everytime something like that happens.

and to top it off, to end it on the same kind of note:

he says to me as he is leaving the office- 

"you're really beautiful by the way."

and i awkwardly say thank you. twice. once looking at him i think?! and the other not looking at him, but nervously looking down. and then he waves to me as he's getting in the elevator.

story of my life.

story of a 14 year old (if that) being stuck in the body of a 23 year old.

for now.

i will get better at this.

and for now i will just try to make you laugh with me.

Psalm 103

  Let all that I am praise the Lord;
      with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
  Let all that I am praise the Lord;
      may I never forget the good things he does for me.
  He forgives all my sins
      and heals all my diseases.
  He redeems me from death
      and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
  He fills my life with good things.
      My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

  The Lord gives righteousness
      and justice to all who are treated unfairly.
  He revealed his character to Moses
      and his deeds to the people of Israel.
  The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
      slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
  He will not constantly accuse us,
      nor remain angry forever.
  He does not punish us for all our sins;
      he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
  For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
      is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
  He has removed our sins as far from us
      as the east is from the west.
  The Lord is like a father to his children,
      tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
  For he knows how weak we are;
      he remembers we are only dust.
  Our days on earth are like grass;
      like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
  The wind blows, and we are gone—
      as though we had never been here.
  But the love of the Lord remains forever
      with those who fear him.
   His salvation extends to the children’s children
     of those who are faithful to his covenant,
      of those who obey his commandments!
  The Lord has made the heavens his throne;
      from there he rules over everything.
  Praise the Lord, you angels,
      you mighty ones who carry out his plans,
      listening for each of his commands.
  Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels
      who serve him and do his will!
  Praise the Lord, everything he has created,
      everything in all his kingdom.
   Let all that I am praise the Lord.

: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :

reminding myself of how i ought to be praising him.

in this psalm alone it says it so many times - "let all that i am praise the Lord."

but reminding myself will not do me much good if i then do not choose to praise him.

the state of my heart is too often such disaster that i don't just praise him for who he is,

that i don't just gladly praise him out of love and adoration for him.

and for this i am in need of much forgiveness.

so this is another prayer of my heart - for my heart to be continually changing and softened.

i'm praying that i will not harden my heart as he is calling.

i'm praying that as he is calling, i will have ears to hear his voice.

that i will recognize his voice. recognize his care for me.

Listen, O heavens! Pay attention, earth!

this is what the Lord says:

"The children I raised and cared for have rebelled against me. Even an ox knows it's owner, and a donkey recognizes its master's care - but Israel doesn't know its master.

My people don't recognize my care for them."

Isaiah 1:2-3

i read this a few days ago and it hit me.

i pray to know my master. to recognize his care for me.

to put aside my rebellion and worship him.

Today when you hear his voice, don't harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled.

Hebrews 3:15

i'm praying for understanding as i read about his compassion and mercy.

about his forgiveness and unfailing love.

how he is slow to get angry and how will not constantly accuse me or stay angry with me forever.

i need to remind myself of these things and take them to heart. know that they are true and believe them.

they are not just words on a page. they are truth.

what the heck don't i understand about these things? why don't i just get it?!

i liked "The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him."

i pray to have the right kind of fear for him.

and to know and accept the kind of love he has for me - love like a father would have for his child.

what gets me is that i know the love of an earthly father. i have been so blessed with a dad who loves me and goes out of his way to do special things for me just to show that he cares. but for some reason, i don't see God like this. nevermind the ultimately more because God's love is so much greater than my dad's love for me ever could be.

so i pray to know him.

i pray to diligently seek him that way i can actually know him.

i pray for my heart.

that he will be diligently working on it.

taking it out. giving me an extreme makeover - heart addition.

tearing things down. rearranging things. cleaning it up. removing the mess and ugly.

and rebuilding into something new.

something beautiful simply because he is the one rebuilding it.

this verse gives me much hope.

Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away and you will no longer worship idols. And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. and I will put my spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.

so have at it, Lord. sprinkle the water on me and make me clean. wash away my filth and help me as i work on this whole idol worship thing. please give me this new heart you talk about, and this new spirit. Take my old, stubborn and stony heart out. remove it - i don't need it. and replace it with this tender, responsive heart you talk about. place the new spirit in me so that i will follow your decrees and be careful to obey your regulations.

amen.

My {lack of} love life

is pretty humorous at times.

pretty dang humorous.

well after the fact. like when some time has gone by and i can actually think about it and laugh.

but just moments after an incident has occurred, it is too embarassing for me to even think about and i often cringe at just how awkward and nervous i was.

i will recap just an example of this from earlier in the summer:

out to dinner with a friend in Boston. after dinner we head to a random local bar to finish watching the rest of the Bruins game. i am in no way wanting to pick up a guy. after all, i'm at a random bar. it was the middle of the week. what's the chance i'll meet anyone anyways? it is in no way even on my mind! so of course the oneee time i'm not thinking about it, randomly a guy starts talking to me and before i know it, it's been over an hour. he and his friend are just talking to me and Jess. and it was actually nice. nice conversation. i wasn't acting like a complete fool. i was actually a piece of myself - joky, sarcastic. i wasn't overwhelmed by my nervousness and this made it enjoyable. i couldn't believe how natural (as natural as can be in a bar, i guess) the conversation happened. they seemed like nice guys. guys that were just innocently fun to hang out with and talk with.

so it's getting late. we are all about to leave. i should have known it was coming (this is what happens in the normal world, Virginia) - one of them seemed really into me (again, as into someone as you can be just having met them in a bar an hour ago) and so he asks for my number.

me, being Virginia Rose D'Olimpio - having never given out my number and having never just talked to a random guy in a random bar - i freak a little. i am SO reluctant to give out my number. my thoughts go something like "what?! give out my number? what's the point - you live in California anyways. you're a guy. i don't even date. i cannot get a phonecall from a random guy on the phone! how awkward! i will die. (of embarassment at my awkwardness) and anyways, christians don't give out their numbers to random men, do they? is that alright? is that a sin? WWJD"

haha. ohhh brother. talk about psycho

so i sort of grab for jessica's arm for some sort of comfort. literally. i grab it and hold it

(again, can you say p-s-y-c-h-o)

and what stinks about this is that as much as i respond externally to my internal thoughts, no one else but meeeee can see those internal thoughts. i seem to always forget this. and then i do something or say something and people don't understand me. and then when i go into my virginia-like, very lloonngg and confusing explanation, that only makes things worse.

so i forget that this kid doesn't know me. he doesn't know i don't date. (not that i don't want to - just that it isn't a normal occurence for me. and by normal i mean any kind of occurrence for me. but hey! i'm workin on this) and so he also doesn't know i don't give out my number because i have never really thought about what it would mean to give out my number. and all the logistics. how maybe it is not thatt bad/evil/sinnish. if only i had had that dang conversation with Katy the day before meeting this kid instead of the day after during our lunch break, maybe i would have more normally given him my number.

but instead, i clutched on to jess some more. looking to her for comfort and relief saying "i don't do this." kind of like "jess! help a sista out!! you know i don't do this..." and then back to the poor guy who i actually did enjoy talking to and under more normal circumstances (like me not being Virginia and him not living in California) i would have given my number to w/o hesitation and gone out on a date if the occassion ever arose.

so on to the [even more] embarassing part.

i may or may not have said something about him getting in touch with me through facebook.

ya. i now know you don't do that! you just don't use facebook. you either reject or give your number.

and then i may or may not (out of my nervousness) told him that my number was the rejection hot line and then said "just kidding."

but to me...that was not me rejecting! that was actually me (relucantantly - YES!) but willingly giving him my number. and then me being myself with the jokes.

but does he know that? no! because he does not know me.

so point of the story - the freaking Jonas Bro look-alike kid never called me. all that work and not one call/text! what's up with that?!

did he feel rejected even before doing the real work and getting up the guts to call me and then me not answer or something? if so - be a man! call the girl! risk the rejection!

orrrr, is he just a guy and got my number cause he felt it necessary after talking to me for a while. if so, spare me the time! don't talk to me then! and it would ahve been totally fine if you left w/o asking for my number. if i really wanted it i'm sure in some odd world i would have asked for it.

or did my freakishly awkward behavior tell him to run before it was too late.

who the heck knows.

another point: i have a long way ahead of me. it makes me laugh. it really does.

i know i have many more awkward and nervous days/moments ahead of me.

but i guess that is just a part of life and interacting with men for me.

i'm nervous and scared. and it takes me a while for me to feel like myself and be my normal joking/fun/loud/silly dancing/making friends laugh - self.

this is just a glimpse into the life of a 14 year old teen stuck in the body of a 23 year old woman.

or at least on the road to woman becoming a woman.

for now all i can do is laugh.

more to come about another story that took place today at work.

Still Thankful

• loving this song "Forever Reign" by Hillsong. but listening to a version by Kristian Stanfill. we sang it at church today and tears started streaming from my eyes as it starts out "you are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me."
• loving my new pup Misty Mist. she's so sweet and is just a love bug. one of my new favorite things to do is come home and plop down on the kitchen floor so she can plop down on me like she's a lap dog...even though she isn't. and i just rub her belly and kiss her. and i love mornings when i yell to my mom for her to open my door and Misty comes running in, jumping up on my bed and plopping down on my head and we just cuddle. truly. lots of kisses are given by both of us and i cherish these moments.
• loving that it's summer time. enjoying boating and jet skiing and sun tanning and spending time with my family and friends. it's been really special. i'm still so thankful to be home and am still in disbelief (almost) when i think about my last summer compared to this summer. i am just so thankful for this "season" of joy and specialness with my family and i am going to take it and continue to be thankful for it!

yesterday while on the boat i hear my brother say "oh - my - word" and i almost die. just because it is so untypical to his usual language. so i smile big inside because i know he must have got that from me and then i laugh. and then i say "did you just say 'oh my word?'" and then his friend Mike goes "Ya! and he's been saying 'DANGIT' a lot too."
and so i laughed some more. because he obviously got that from me too.
and because just a few days ago i heard him say 'dangit' myself and for some reason it just made me smile inside. i really do love him.
i love that when he's out having fun on the jet ski we all just look at him and say "look at him and his smirk. he has no changed one bit since he was a kid."

• loving warm weather and working in Boston and lunch breaks with old and new friends/coworkers.
• loving seeing my mom enjoying her summer and her days. especially especially thankful for the joy she is experiencing. praying it will continue to surround her. and loved seeing my dad taking pictures of us all having fun on the island yesterday. it was really special. i'm really thankful for the hope only Jesus can bring - to our brokenness and darkness and for the power he has to restore and bring beauty from pure mess

• praying for change to be happening within my heart. praying for my gaze to be shifted from the things i tend to worship - to above. praying for just a glimpse of God's glory and just a taste of relationship with him so that it keeps me coming back for more. praying for a better understanding of the depth of my sin and wretchedness while also praying for a better understanding of the depth of grace and love i receive despite my filth. praying for more intentionality

• looking forward to a wedding this weekend. to seeing one of my good friends marry her best friend this weekend and being a part of the celebration. glad to be sharing it with other friends and excited to be wearing that tangerine dress of mine

i was on a positive roll here but just have to add a negative. i was just playing with my hair as i am typing and i come across something hard that makes me think "what is that?!" and so i pull it out only to drop it immediately because it was a bug! NOT COOL! how in the world did a beetle get in my hair and how long was it in there for?!? disgusting! now i'm just a bit paranoid and checking my head for more bugs

reminds me of the time Becca woke up with gunk in her hair wondering how in the world it got there and what in the world it was. only to find out jenn, while i think giving her a massage or doing somethinggg nicee.......had sneakishly placed chocolate chips in her hair. apparently forgetting to tell her/take them out, becca was already asleep with them in her head and woke up pretty concerned. it was really funny :) brings back such good memories living in 351 :)

thankful to be on a thankful note. praying i will be able to remember this time or season of "relief" or "joy" when the sometimes crummy comes along. and also praying that in those times of crummy i will still know there is much to be thankful for and reason to praise - not just when things are nice.

Reflections on my Babe Lightning

Lovely Lightning:

Lightning, I’ll pretend you are human and I’ll write this to you, as I reflect on all the years spent with you. But then again, you pretty much were human – as stubborn as can be. You were human because you just “knew” sometimes. You knew like a human would, when things weren’t good. You just were almost human, it’s so hard to explain. Out of all our dogs, you were most like human and a part of the family, and least like just our pet.

So I reflect on the past 14 and ½ years. Just how routine it was to see you everyday. And that’s why it’s so sad coming in the house after leaving you at the vet and not seeing you. I was looking for you on the dining room floor or on the couch but you were nowhere to be found. It’s so odd and sad.

Man. I don’t remember much about you when you were a pup. I do remember I was in the 3^rd grade and I think one time I took you out in the driveway and dropped you or something. And I was afraid I was going to get in trouble so I don’t think I told anyone.

I remember that once in your day, you were skinny and buff! But that soon faded as you aged and we got other dogs and your main concern was food. You fought for it and were so concerned. This I never understood because it was not as though you have never been fed before and or that you weren’t ever going to be fed again. You eventually became very plump. Fat, actually. No offense. And then you even became lumpy. Why? I have no idea. Tumors? Maybe! Who the heck knows. I just know you acquired quite a few pounds and lumps along the way.

And I remember you also used to have dark brown spots but I can’t seem to remember them very well. It’s hard to believe you were once skinny and not graying unless I look back at old pictures and say “dang! You’ve aged!”

I remember when you were younger and you’d sleep with me, you’d do this weird digging thing with your paw to make me move my legs so you could sleep right in the middle of them! It was very uncomfortable actually, but because I loved you so much I’d always put up with the discomfort to have you so close to me. And you were comfortable, so that was that.

I loved so much that you ALWAYS knew when things weren’t ok. Maybe that’s what all dogs do but then again it’s not what Scoob and Gracie did so I think you were just special. Like mom was saying to you earlier, you always knew when she was feeling sad and you’d just come to her and be by her side and kiss her. And the same with me. You’d sometimes kiss me or even paw me/claw me down just so you could get those kisses in to wipe away my tears. Dang you were special. Truly. What a blessing you were.

And when things got rough in the house and loud and a little out of control with fighting, you’d always come running in my room shaking on the bed. You hated when we fought.

You also HATED, despiseddddd baths. Come on Lightning! You were always such a baby, it was unbelievable. One sound of the word “bath” and you were up shaking and running out of the room. We’d have to almost hold you down in the bathroom and bribe you with a bajilion bones.

And your ears! “Lightning…I’m gonna clean your ears!!” and up you went running again, as though it was torture for you. Maybe it was. But it just doesn’t seem so bad. Sometimes we’d say it to you just to mess with you and it was funny. Sorry for that. You were just too much of a baby though, it was hard to resist.

You know what I loved? Seeing John come home and everyday, you were the first one he greeted. And that’s what he was saying he was going to miss about you most. That there’s no one else you come home to that is always excited to see you. But you Lightning, you were that one thing.

Remember you used to get so excited to see us that you’d wag your tail so hard and intensely that it would bleed from hitting the kitchen stove? You poor thing! We’d have to try to calm you down once we saw the tip of your tail all bloody.

Oh and gosh! Remember you’d stinkin PEE ON MY BED from excitement when John thought it was funny to show his friends “hey look guys, I can get my dog to pee on my sister’s bed when she’s really excited and it’s so funny…look” and then he’d say something like “Lightning! PEE ON VIRGINIA’S BED. PEE ON VIRGINIA’S BED” and our came the pee, onto my bed. Ya, disgusting! Thanks Lightning! NOT! I wonder just how many mattresses I had because of you. Either tearing them to pieces or peeing on them.

I was often annoyed at this but really loved that whenever I had my friends over you always had to come out from mom and dad’s room and be with me and my girlfriends! You were just one of the girls. You loved us and loved being a part of all the excitement.

Remember when you used to HUMP my PILLOW? Ya, I do! Lightning, you are a girl. Why are you humping?

I remember the time one of John’s friends thought it would be funny to put the pool triangle thing around your head. Well that was funny only until you decided to try to walk down the attic stairs with it on and ended up falling down the stairs. And then mom and dad come running out all mad and I think make everyone leave and I don’t even remember how they got it off your head.

Speaking of your head, you poor thing. Just how many times did you have to go to the vet for either some ear problems or because your sister decided she wanted to attack you to the point of almost killing you, over like a water bottle, and you were left with holes all over your poor head. I really thought you were going to die that last fight.  I think will always be the most horrific thing I have ever witnessed. I’m so glad you didn’t die that day, but instead hung around for almost 3 more years. I swear this is what you were thinking towards Grace that day “LISTEN BII--ATTCH!! I ain’t going anywhere!! Attack me all you want but this was my home first!” and then you hung on until somehow, miraculously, she let go. And then since then, you’ve stubbornly hung on because I don’t think you could bare the idea of leaving us. And now I don’t know how I can think about life without you.

You just make up my childhood. I can’t think of my life without you. You are and always have been a part of it. You’ve been around for more than half of it and now it’s so sad to think about you not here.

But I’m left with a piece of you, always. In my heart, that’s for dang sure, but also all around your room. Why’s that you may ask? It’s because I have your freaking white fur infested ALL over my room. I came home to see it on my dark blue pillow today and was reminded of how sad it’s going to be to not have you around. Part of me was annoyed that after living in Amherst all these years and for the first time ever, having a bed w/o the smell of dog and the fur as evidence, I now had to deal with it all over again. But as much as I wasn’t the biggest fan of those things, I wouldn’t ever take back all the times sleeping in a bed with you for a nice and always fresh smelling bed. So ya, I’ll be reminded of you for the next who even knows how long because I bet even if I move out someday I will still be finding your fur all over my things. I would find it at college. I swear sometimes I would be eating in the dining common and look down and be like “how is Lightning’s fur on my food?!? Here? In Amherst!” It just traveled far.

You know that sometimes I felt bad for how pathetic you looked and must have felt with that dang huge-ash cone on your head! It musta been embarrassing, huh? For all the other dogs to walk by and look through the gate and be like “what’s up with her? Why is she always having to wear that cone? Wait…wasn’t she in that last summer too?” – ya, you were. But it’s cause you loved to attack your rear end area until you would bleed and have no more fur and raw, so that was the only solution. Although I’m sure it wasn’t the only solution. I’m sure you could have been bathed more or had some flee medicine or something but it sure did do it’s job, just at the expense of your reputation.

Oh man I’m just thinking of the summer and how odd it will be to not have you in the backyard anymore. Always annoyingly crying by the picnic table for some meat. Always running around and lately within the past couple years, panting and resting a lot more. But when you weren’t lounging you were always eating grass and trying to catch flies. That kept you in shape.

And the hose! It was so fun spraying you with the hose because you always loved it so much. You loved being sprayed in the mouth and attacking the water. You’d come leaping for it sometimes. I can just hear your teeth hitting e/o as you’d bite down on the water. You loved to do that. That, and wait for the water from the pool to come overflowing from the filter and we’d yell at you to stop drinking it.

You went in that pool a few times, but were never a fan, as much as I wanted you to be.

And summer days eating popsicles. I loved sharing my popsicles with you. And feeding you your bones. And always asking you to sit and give me your paws. You were good.

Lightning, you really were the best with our other animals. Well especially when they were puppies/kittens. You were always momma Lightning. I always thought you would have made the best momma dog, you just had those instincts. It has been especially fun seeing you interact with our new kitten and watching you play with her. I’m glad I have those videos I took on my ipod most recently, just licking the cat to death. And I always loved seeing you interact with Oreo. I think one of the saddest things right now is thinking of Oreo later, wanting to come in the house looking for you. To cuddle with you and lay in between your two front paws just so he is as close to you as he can be. He’s fresh sometimes and not so friendly to the kitten, but with you! I swear he thinks you’re his mom or something. You’d always let him suck your mouth until the point of being too annoyed and then you’d get up and move. He loves you. I’m thankful for some of the cutest pictures of you guys literally spooning.

Even though I hated letting you out in the middle of the night (not like I had to do it often, I’ve been gone for so long now, but even still—letting you out can be so annoying!) I sure will miss it now that you’re gone. Although you took the longest time! You took your sweet time doing who knows what and sometimes I’d have to go out and retrieve you and grab your collar, yelling at you probably. You never seemed to care when I told you to hurry up.

I still keep thinking about a few days ago when I was taking a shower and a couple fireworks go off. I finish my shower and open the curtain to you! Just sitting on the bathroom floor cause you must have gotten scared so you somehow banged the door open. I was not expecting you there at all! But it was a nice surprise.

I loved kissing you. Especially your ears, when they were cold. Probably to the point of annoyance for you. And I loved blowing in your face until you tried to bite my tongue. It was so cute. We always had so much fun.

I’m just gonna miss you so much. Your presence in the house. It won’t be the same without you. But I’m so thankful for all the joy you’ve brought. I just never expected this day to come, silly as it seems. Well actually I felt like it would be coming soon, but I just can’t believe all of a sudden you’re not here. I knew your time was coming, you were getting up there! You were definitely a grandma. But I just can’t believe it.

I’m glad you were outside with us as we were playing badmitten last night. I knew there was no way we were going to all be outside without you. That’s the thing. You were so stubborn you’d cry til you got your way. And because you were so annoying and loud when you cried and didn’t let up, we’d always just give in.

I remember just a couple weeks ago you trying to get on my bed but couldn’t. And even though I tried to help you, right before I grabbed you to give you a lift it was as though you just knew it was too much. And in the same exact second, it was so odd, we both thought to go get your bed. So you walked over to it in the living room as if to sleep out there but I dragged it into my room and plop you went. You slept on my floor for the night. But I’m thankful (as much as I was annoyed at the time because you’d wake me up from my precious sleep) for the times in the past few weeks where you’d come in and cry for some help up on my bed. It was so odd seeing you like that. It was so evident you had aged. And sometimes I would laugh because you looked so pathetic as your legs wiggled and I wouldn’t even be able to help you I was laughing so hard. But then other times I’d be like “come on babe. Just jump up, I’ll help ya.”

For some reason I called you “babe.” Don’t ask me why, but I did. I don’t know when I started but it just came out. And I remember thinking “man I hope I can call a man babe sometime. And that it sounds just as normal as me calling you babe” haha

I will miss you dearly, my lovely Lightning. I will miss coming home to you. I will miss getting down on the floor to just lay with you and kiss you. I will miss your eyes. I’m sure I’ll miss you trying to get food from the cabinet as I’m looking for a snack, as much as that annoyed me too. Dang, you sure did annoy me. But I just have so much love for you because of it. And you will be missed by so many more. SO many more.

But I have loved you and have a place for you in my heart. And I am thankful for the possibility of a new place in my heart for a new addition to our family. Never to replace you, but only for another chance to love another dog like we have loved you. Because it has been a true joy and gift.

I’d say you have had a pretty dang good life. Lots of food. LOTS of food. Many steak tips stolen from the table when we weren’t looking. And many more given to you as you sat by our side waiting for all the scraps or fatty pieces that me and mom wouldn’t eat. You were spoiled, that’s for sure.

That’s all I can think of for now. I love you lightning. And sure do hope there are some wet noses at the pearly gates, yours being one of them.

Thanks for the gift you have been. And thanks for the unconditional love you have given. For that I am truly thankful.

And while I’m thinking of the positive, I’m thankful to have been home and not in Amherst when this happened. And I’m especially thankful to have all gone as a family to see you off.

Love you babe,

your sister.