My {lack of} love life

is pretty humorous at times.

pretty dang humorous.

well after the fact. like when some time has gone by and i can actually think about it and laugh.

but just moments after an incident has occurred, it is too embarassing for me to even think about and i often cringe at just how awkward and nervous i was.

i will recap just an example of this from earlier in the summer:

out to dinner with a friend in Boston. after dinner we head to a random local bar to finish watching the rest of the Bruins game. i am in no way wanting to pick up a guy. after all, i'm at a random bar. it was the middle of the week. what's the chance i'll meet anyone anyways? it is in no way even on my mind! so of course the oneee time i'm not thinking about it, randomly a guy starts talking to me and before i know it, it's been over an hour. he and his friend are just talking to me and Jess. and it was actually nice. nice conversation. i wasn't acting like a complete fool. i was actually a piece of myself - joky, sarcastic. i wasn't overwhelmed by my nervousness and this made it enjoyable. i couldn't believe how natural (as natural as can be in a bar, i guess) the conversation happened. they seemed like nice guys. guys that were just innocently fun to hang out with and talk with.

so it's getting late. we are all about to leave. i should have known it was coming (this is what happens in the normal world, Virginia) - one of them seemed really into me (again, as into someone as you can be just having met them in a bar an hour ago) and so he asks for my number.

me, being Virginia Rose D'Olimpio - having never given out my number and having never just talked to a random guy in a random bar - i freak a little. i am SO reluctant to give out my number. my thoughts go something like "what?! give out my number? what's the point - you live in California anyways. you're a guy. i don't even date. i cannot get a phonecall from a random guy on the phone! how awkward! i will die. (of embarassment at my awkwardness) and anyways, christians don't give out their numbers to random men, do they? is that alright? is that a sin? WWJD"

haha. ohhh brother. talk about psycho

so i sort of grab for jessica's arm for some sort of comfort. literally. i grab it and hold it

(again, can you say p-s-y-c-h-o)

and what stinks about this is that as much as i respond externally to my internal thoughts, no one else but meeeee can see those internal thoughts. i seem to always forget this. and then i do something or say something and people don't understand me. and then when i go into my virginia-like, very lloonngg and confusing explanation, that only makes things worse.

so i forget that this kid doesn't know me. he doesn't know i don't date. (not that i don't want to - just that it isn't a normal occurence for me. and by normal i mean any kind of occurrence for me. but hey! i'm workin on this) and so he also doesn't know i don't give out my number because i have never really thought about what it would mean to give out my number. and all the logistics. how maybe it is not thatt bad/evil/sinnish. if only i had had that dang conversation with Katy the day before meeting this kid instead of the day after during our lunch break, maybe i would have more normally given him my number.

but instead, i clutched on to jess some more. looking to her for comfort and relief saying "i don't do this." kind of like "jess! help a sista out!! you know i don't do this..." and then back to the poor guy who i actually did enjoy talking to and under more normal circumstances (like me not being Virginia and him not living in California) i would have given my number to w/o hesitation and gone out on a date if the occassion ever arose.

so on to the [even more] embarassing part.

i may or may not have said something about him getting in touch with me through facebook.

ya. i now know you don't do that! you just don't use facebook. you either reject or give your number.

and then i may or may not (out of my nervousness) told him that my number was the rejection hot line and then said "just kidding."

but to me...that was not me rejecting! that was actually me (relucantantly - YES!) but willingly giving him my number. and then me being myself with the jokes.

but does he know that? no! because he does not know me.

so point of the story - the freaking Jonas Bro look-alike kid never called me. all that work and not one call/text! what's up with that?!

did he feel rejected even before doing the real work and getting up the guts to call me and then me not answer or something? if so - be a man! call the girl! risk the rejection!

orrrr, is he just a guy and got my number cause he felt it necessary after talking to me for a while. if so, spare me the time! don't talk to me then! and it would ahve been totally fine if you left w/o asking for my number. if i really wanted it i'm sure in some odd world i would have asked for it.

or did my freakishly awkward behavior tell him to run before it was too late.

who the heck knows.

another point: i have a long way ahead of me. it makes me laugh. it really does.

i know i have many more awkward and nervous days/moments ahead of me.

but i guess that is just a part of life and interacting with men for me.

i'm nervous and scared. and it takes me a while for me to feel like myself and be my normal joking/fun/loud/silly dancing/making friends laugh - self.

this is just a glimpse into the life of a 14 year old teen stuck in the body of a 23 year old woman.

or at least on the road to woman becoming a woman.

for now all i can do is laugh.

more to come about another story that took place today at work.

Still Thankful

• loving this song "Forever Reign" by Hillsong. but listening to a version by Kristian Stanfill. we sang it at church today and tears started streaming from my eyes as it starts out "you are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me."
• loving my new pup Misty Mist. she's so sweet and is just a love bug. one of my new favorite things to do is come home and plop down on the kitchen floor so she can plop down on me like she's a lap dog...even though she isn't. and i just rub her belly and kiss her. and i love mornings when i yell to my mom for her to open my door and Misty comes running in, jumping up on my bed and plopping down on my head and we just cuddle. truly. lots of kisses are given by both of us and i cherish these moments.
• loving that it's summer time. enjoying boating and jet skiing and sun tanning and spending time with my family and friends. it's been really special. i'm still so thankful to be home and am still in disbelief (almost) when i think about my last summer compared to this summer. i am just so thankful for this "season" of joy and specialness with my family and i am going to take it and continue to be thankful for it!

yesterday while on the boat i hear my brother say "oh - my - word" and i almost die. just because it is so untypical to his usual language. so i smile big inside because i know he must have got that from me and then i laugh. and then i say "did you just say 'oh my word?'" and then his friend Mike goes "Ya! and he's been saying 'DANGIT' a lot too."
and so i laughed some more. because he obviously got that from me too.
and because just a few days ago i heard him say 'dangit' myself and for some reason it just made me smile inside. i really do love him.
i love that when he's out having fun on the jet ski we all just look at him and say "look at him and his smirk. he has no changed one bit since he was a kid."

• loving warm weather and working in Boston and lunch breaks with old and new friends/coworkers.
• loving seeing my mom enjoying her summer and her days. especially especially thankful for the joy she is experiencing. praying it will continue to surround her. and loved seeing my dad taking pictures of us all having fun on the island yesterday. it was really special. i'm really thankful for the hope only Jesus can bring - to our brokenness and darkness and for the power he has to restore and bring beauty from pure mess

• praying for change to be happening within my heart. praying for my gaze to be shifted from the things i tend to worship - to above. praying for just a glimpse of God's glory and just a taste of relationship with him so that it keeps me coming back for more. praying for a better understanding of the depth of my sin and wretchedness while also praying for a better understanding of the depth of grace and love i receive despite my filth. praying for more intentionality

• looking forward to a wedding this weekend. to seeing one of my good friends marry her best friend this weekend and being a part of the celebration. glad to be sharing it with other friends and excited to be wearing that tangerine dress of mine

i was on a positive roll here but just have to add a negative. i was just playing with my hair as i am typing and i come across something hard that makes me think "what is that?!" and so i pull it out only to drop it immediately because it was a bug! NOT COOL! how in the world did a beetle get in my hair and how long was it in there for?!? disgusting! now i'm just a bit paranoid and checking my head for more bugs

reminds me of the time Becca woke up with gunk in her hair wondering how in the world it got there and what in the world it was. only to find out jenn, while i think giving her a massage or doing somethinggg nicee.......had sneakishly placed chocolate chips in her hair. apparently forgetting to tell her/take them out, becca was already asleep with them in her head and woke up pretty concerned. it was really funny :) brings back such good memories living in 351 :)

thankful to be on a thankful note. praying i will be able to remember this time or season of "relief" or "joy" when the sometimes crummy comes along. and also praying that in those times of crummy i will still know there is much to be thankful for and reason to praise - not just when things are nice.